Man, is it bad to say that I'm so ready for the year 2010? I'm ready to get this year over with. So many terrible things have happened in the past month and 3 days. April 9th my friend's 4 year old son was in a tragic accident which lead him to be with our Dear Lord. I have never in my entire life experienced and witnessed so much hurt. I pray that no one will ever have to go through that. Until you hold a weeping mother in your arms as you take her home after her having to leave her son behind you will never truly understand compassion, I don't believe. Since I have never had children I can't understand to that capacity how completely heartbroken, alone, angry and hurt anyone could ever possibly be. I pray for them everyday. And I am so completely blown away at to how they are still standing. Closer to Christ than anyone I know. To see them and to watch them give all glory to God. I can't even imagine. 

Exactly 2 weeks after we buried little Landon my stepmom calls me. My dad had been in an accident. He was pushing a tree down with the tractor and it came back to hit him in the back of the head.  WHAT! Seriously God, what are you doing to me!! My uncle and I drove up to Memphis where they flew him in. The doctor said he was very lucky to not be either paralyzed or dead. I felt bad though.  By this time I was still recovering from Landon's death. I was completely numb. Everyone kept asking me, calling me, seeing how I was doing. I didn't lie. I was perfectly fine, yes I was worried about my dad, but he was alive. When I visited him the following Saturday he mentioned God more that day than I believe I've ever heard him say in my entire life. He knows he was lucky and that He was looking out for him. He told me he was going to change. I pray he does. I hope that he will begin to seek Christ. To know Him as his personal Savior. I'm not around my dad much but from what I see I don't think he's ever made that commitment. I read back on some journal entries from earlier this year and when I would pray for him I always ended with "whatever it takes, Lord" I hope you will pray for him too. I believe he needs Jesus and I hope he will realize that. 

Now it's my mom and stepdad. Just as I got back from Oxford my stepdad had left. He said he has issues he needs to figure out. He's been gone for 2 weeks. Him and my mom finally sat down and talked today. I was a nervous wreck. Just from what I've learned from men my entire life-the will always leave. They will never stick around, I was convinced that he wasn't coming back that he was just coming over to come get his crap and leave. I was sick to my stomach all day. I don't know what to tell my mother, she feels as if she has failed me-and she told me that Sunday. I just want to ignore the whole situation. Pretend it's not there-this apparently is a defense mechanism that I learned as a child, which isn't very healthy :) But after today there is hope. I'll be honest, I didn't have hope. I've been hurting so so much this past month that I just it would go down the drain like everything else. But he said he's coming home, he's not taking any stuff because he is coming home. Thank God. I really don't know what I would have done. 

I'm sorry this is so long. But I'm really only typing this out to get it out. I know no one will read it but I think it's good to get it out sometimes. The Casting Crowns song has been stuck in my head lately, "I Will Praise You in the Storm" The first verse goes like this: "I was sure by now, God, that you would have reached down and wipe our tears away, step down and saved the day. But once again I say Amen and it's still raining.." and I would stop it there, it was all I could think of but the rest of that verse is.. "But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, I am with you. And as Your mercy falls and I raise my hands and praise the One who gives and takes away."

Wow, what more could be said?

Lord Jesus, forgive me for my unfaithfulness and thank you for being faithful when I am not!