I wish I knew what I wanted. But I know that what I have is not what I want. Confused yet?

 I keep living in an "if only" world. I think I've mentioned this before... or maybe not. I can't remember. But I keep thinking.. "if only I didn't live at home with my parents" "if only God would hurry up and tell me what he wants me to do for real" "if only I could make a little more money so I can get out on my own" "if only I were married.. or at least on the path" "if only I had more friends closer to me" if only if only if only (and that's not even half of it). Ugh. It's almost tiresome. But when I sit back and actually think about it. I've almost gotten content with where I am. Don't get me wrong- you can be content and miserable at the same time. And if you've don't believe me, well it can happen. It's easier to not do anything or try to change than it is to actually do something about it. When I think about who I am- as a person, my personality, how I handle situations etc. I scares me to death. I honestly have no idea how I've made it this far. I'm far more crazy than I come across to most people. Even for those people who know I'm crazy, it's more than you know- heck it's more than I know. I do know, however, that I am never, ever, satisfied. And I don't think any of us truly are. No matter how much we pursue Christ, I don't think that as humans, we will ever be truly satisfied. There will always be something we want. I know I'm not ever full of anything. I will always want something better, faster etc. Always "lacking".

I sometimes hate to know who've I actually become. I want to hang out with people, but I don't want to have to make an effort to do that. I feel that I am always making an extra effort with some people and not enough for others, leaving them lacking in a friendship. But that's who I've become. Why do I do this? Why do I feel the need to "impress" others when they're already my friend? When did this begin? Can I stop this? Can I change who I've become?  I know Christ can change me-if I allow Him. I want Him too. But right now I'm bitter, angry, hurt, lonely and scared. And that's what I'm content with. All too familiar things that I don't want to deal with again. I want Christ. I want Him to pursue me, and I Him. 

Now the question is, how do I "let go and let God" ?